ارسالها: 1068
#11
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 10:31
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He
turns
to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator
will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then
open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man
stood up
on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals
unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks
were delivered. The man stood up again and
made
another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the
bar.
A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on
the head with the beer bottle."
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#12
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 10:31
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he
gets
in he notices a huge black dude standing next to
him.
The big black dude looks down upon the small
white
guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner
Brown"
The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy
and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him
and
asks the small white guy.
"What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what
did you
say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot
tall,
350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound
right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought
you
said 'Turn around.'"
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#13
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 10:32
There was this couple who had been married for
50
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table
one
morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago
we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably
sitting
here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you
say...should
we get naked?"
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat
down
at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as
they
were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's
in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#14
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 11:54
A young boy is in the kitchen about to get some ice cream out of the freezer when his Mom walks in.
"Don't eat that ice cream! It'll spoil your appetite", his Mom nags "Dinner will be ready soon. I'll play a game with you until then. What do you want to play?"
The boy thinks for a minute and says "Let's play Mommy and Daddy!” and runs up the stairs into his parents' room. By the time his Mom caught up with him, the boy is standing by the bed, wearing his father's hat and coat.
“What should I do?” asks the Mom.
Before she can finish her thought, the boy opens up his coat to reveal a huge, throbbing hard-on. He rips off all his mother's clothes and pins her to the bed. He starts fucking her brains out, going deeper and deeper, then just as she's about to cum, he flips her over and starts pounding her in the ass. He finishes by jizzing all over his mother's shocked face. The boy lays back and smokes on of his father's cigarettes, and says “You should get your ass in the kitchen and make that goddamn kid of yours a fucking bowl of ice cream.”
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#15
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 11:55
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King’s chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story – Pay your bloody bills !!!
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#16
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:01
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#17
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:05
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes. and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#18
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:07
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'.
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#19
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:10
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#20
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:12
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
صفحه 2 از 11