ارسالها: 1068
#21
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:14
One evening, Mike went over to his friend's house to play cards with Terry and some other friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife Susan.
When Mike dropped a playing card on the floor and bent down to pick it up, he looked across underneath the table and saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open with no panties on. Mike then sat up and tried hiding the fact that he was flushed.
When Mike went into the kitchen to get a drink of water, to his surprise, Susan had followed him into the kitchen and said in a sultry voice, "Did you like what you saw?"
Mike replied with enthusiasm, "Yes, I did!"
Terry's wife then said, "Well, you can get more than a look, but it will cost you $500."
So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay.
Susan then said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work."
Mike said with a smile, "I'll see you then."
The next afternoon Mike went over, they had sex, he gave her the $500, then he left.
Later that evening, Terry came home and asked his wife, "Has Mike been over here today?"
Thinking she had been caught, she said, "As a matter of fact, he did."
Terry said, "Good! Because that fool came by my office early this morning and asked to borrow $500. He said he'd pay me back before suppertime, which sounded a bit quirky, but I gave it to him anyway. He said he would probably leave the money with you."
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#22
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:23
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first things he sees are a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
Jack stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#23
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:28
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First name only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."-3 minutes of commercials follow
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"(touch tones.... ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away o r you'll lose. So do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando , Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the ass....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "OK Folks, we need to take a station break......
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#24
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:31
A guy gets from a plane and goes to a beautiful double storey house, he knocks on the door and an attractive woman opens the door.
"I wanna see Natalie"
The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.
"Sir to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"
"Is no problem, I have ze money"
Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the stairs and the guy looks at her
"Natalie?"
"Yes?"
"I want to spend a little time with you"
She smirks at the man's apearance
"It will cost you $1,000"
The guy takes out a roll of cash and hands it to her, they go upstairs, do the dirty and he leaves half an hour later. The next day the guy is back, he knocks, the madame opens and is quite surprised that the guy is back
"I wanna see Natalie"
"Well it's still $1,000"
"No problem, I have ze money"
He shows her the money, he goes upstairs, hand the money to Natalie, spend half an hour poking her clam and leaves
So it continues for three more days, after the fifth day Natalie turns to him while he's dressing and says
"You know it's the first time that somebody came back so many times, where are you from?"
"I am from Tel Aviv"
Natalie sits up
"Really? I have a sister in Tel Aviv"
The guy grins and replies
"I know, she gave me $5,000 to give you
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#25
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:33
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, ‘But I've only been with one guy.'
Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.'
'Tiger Woods the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#26
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:35
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#27
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:38
Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#28
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:39
The cops raided the local brothel and had all of the girls standing in line
waiting to enter the paddy wagon. A little old lady walked up and asked one
of the girls what the line was for. The girl sarcastically stated that they
were handing out lollipops. The little old lady, having missed the sarcasm,
liked the idea of getting free lollipops, so she got in line, too. When she
got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little
old to be doing this?" She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll
keep sucking them."
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#29
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:41
A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl to spend the night
with him. She agreed to do so for $500. When he was ready to leave in the
morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but that he
would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "rent
for an apartment." On the way to the office, he decided that the whole
thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his
secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear madam:
Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount I agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression:
1. That it had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. That it was small.
Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't any heat and
it was entirely too large.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with
the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear sir:
I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how
you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As
for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on. As
for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture
to fill it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Sometimes a good comeback is compensation enough...]
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#30
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:43
There once lived a woman. She was nice, pretty, had a good attitude with everything she did. But the only thing she hated about herself was her flat chest. It was as flat as a plank of wood and she couldn't bear living with it.
One day as she's walking home from work, a genie pops up out of nowhere and tells her: "Hello miss. I heard about your problem and i would love to help you solve it."
"Ok," says the woman. "How will you help me?"
"I will inflict a spell on you which causes your breasts to grow one inch every time someone tells you the word 'pardon'. For example, if you bump into someone, they would tell you 'pardon'. When you are satisfied, say the word 'gesundheit' and the spell will leave you. I'll be going now." He disappears. Excited, she goes to the market to try this out.
At the market, she purpousely bumps into someone, causing the person to tell her "pardon". Suddenly, her breasts grew an inch. She was very excited. This went on four more times. She decided that one more time should be enough. She sees an arab man walking by, so she goes to bump into him. After bumping into him, he turns around and says: "I am very sorry madam. A thousand pardons to you!!!"
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
صفحه 3 از 11