ارسالها: 1068
#31
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:51
This is the story of how I lost my pet fly.
So my pet fly was chillin' out on a branch over a river
when a fish swam by. The fish looked up and saw him
and thinks to himself: "Damn I'm hungry, if that fly'd just drop
down five inches I could jump up and grab him an have
me some lunch!"
Meanwhile there's this bear by the side of the river.
He sees the fish looking at my pet fly and thinks to himself:
"Damn I'm hungry, if that fly'd just drop five inches that fish'd
jump up and grab him and I could grab that fish and have me
some lunch!"
Meanwhile there's this hunter hiding behind a boulder eating a
cheese sandwich. He sees the bear who's looking at the fish
who's looking at my pet fly but doesn't have a clear shot.
He thinks to himself: "Damn that's one fine lookin' bear, if that fly'd
just drop five inches that fish'd jump up, that bear'd run out and
grab that fish and I'd have a clear shot and get me a nice trophy!"
Meanwhile there's this mouse. He see's the hunter with the
cheese sandwhich who's looking at the bear who's looking
at the fish who's looking at my pet fly. He thinks to himself
"Damn I'm hungry, if that fly'd just drop five inches that fish'd
jump up and grab him, that bear'd run out and grab the fish,
that hunter would drop his sandwich and shoot the bear,
and I could run out and grab that sandwich and have me some
lunch!"
Meanwhile theres this cat. He sees the fish looking at the
hunter with the sandwich looking at the bear who's looking
at the fish who's looking at my pet fly. He thinks to himself
"Damn I'm hungry, if that fly'd just drop five inches the fish
would jump and grab him that bear'd run out and snatch that
fish, that hunter would drop his sandwich and shoot the bear,
that mouse would run to grab the sandwich and I could pounce
on him and have me some lunch!"
All this time my pet fly is still chilling on the branch and he thinks to
himself "Damn, its hot up here, bet its cooler about five inches down."
So he drops five inches and BAM, the fish jumps and grabs him
the bear leaps and snatches the fish, the hunter tosses his sandwich
and shoots the bear, the mouse darts out to the sandwich,
the cat pounces at the mouse, misses completely and falls in the river.
What is the moral of this story?
...When my fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#32
Posted: 23 Jul 2011 12:51
It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie
If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy
Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie
Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#33
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:17
powerdick: that was so funny man , thank you , i love your stories , and i will read them , please continue your writing , good job
TNX
The Finest Natural Pun I've Ever Seen
Courtesy of Anne McCaffrey in ‘Pegasus In Space’ (and I was the first person IN THE WORLD to notice this: even AMcC didn't spot it, and she wrote the book): -
Ludmilla Barchenka, construction manager, failed in her attempted mutiny aboard the orbiting space platform later known as the Padrugoi Independent Space Station. The attempt was foiled because of of the morality and strength of character of those ranged against her (the good guys) and she never really stood a chance.
In other words...
She got caught trying to take the P.I.S.S.
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#34
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:18
Phallic Symbol
Camilla had come to see Dr. Hardy.
When the shrink began using sexual terms, she interrupted, ‘Wait, what is a phallic symbol?’
‘A phallic symbol,’ explained Hardy, ‘represents the phallus.’
‘What's a phallus?’ asked Camilla.
‘Well,’ said the analyst, ‘the best way to explain it is to show you.’
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his pecker.
‘This is a phallus.’
‘Oh,’ said the girl, ‘It's like a prick, only smaller.’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#35
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:19
Hockey Fanatics
Four hockey fans are mountain climbing.
Each climber happens to be a rabid fan of a different NHL team.
As they climb higher and higher, they argue more and more about which of them is the most loyal to their particular team. Finally, as they reach the summit, the climber from Detroit takes a running leap and throws himself off the mountain, yelling, ‘This is for the Detroit Red Wings.’
Not wanting to be outdone, the climber from St. Louis throws himself off the mountain, shouting,
‘This is for the St. Louis Blues.’
Seeing this, the Ottawa climber walks to the edge and yells,
‘This is for hockey fans everywhere!’
He then pushes the fan from Toronto off.
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#36
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:19
Dumb Quotes
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: ‘My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.’
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G. M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: ‘I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.’
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: ‘He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#37
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:20
Saving A Life Redneck Style
Two red necks were sitting at the bar when one noticed a woman choking on her hamburger.
The red neck cuts off his friend and rushes to her aid. When asking her if she can breathe, she shakes her head, ‘no.’
He immediately pulls her out of her seat, yanks up her dress, and licks her rear. In shock, the woman is able to spit up the hamburger, and breathe. When the man rejoins his friend at the bar, his friend asks ‘what that was all about.’ The red neck looks up and says ‘It’s the Hinny-lick, it works every time!’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#38
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:21
The Last Rocker Joke
John Rocker returned to New York this week where he was subjected to booing, but no physical violence. Before his first game on Thursday he issued a statement apologizing for all the hoopla surrounding his comments, reminding the Mets fans that it has deterred their attention from an incredible Braves season.
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#39
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:21
The Therapist
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed, ‘Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.’
‘What's the problem?’ the doctor inquired.
‘Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.’
‘My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.’
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
‘Did my advice not work?’ asked the doctor.
‘It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.’
‘So, what's your problem?’
‘I don't have a problem,’ the man replied. ‘My wife does.’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#40
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:21
No Pets Allowed
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, ‘No pets allowed.’
The man replied, ‘This is a special dog. Turn on the Eagle's game and you'll see.’
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game.
The guy says, ‘Watch. Whenever the Eagle's score, my dog does flips.’
The Eagle's keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. ‘Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there! What happens when the Eagle's score a touchdown?’
The man replied, ‘I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years!’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
صفحه 4 از 11