ارسالها: 1068
#41
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:22
Wonder Pills
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, ‘Here's a pill for English literature.’
The student swallows the pill and has new knowledge about English literature!
Impressed, he asks, ‘What else do you have?’
‘Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,’ replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, ‘Do you have a pill for math?’
The pharmacist says, ‘Wait just a moment.’ He goes back into the storeroom and returns with a whopper of a pill that he plunks on the counter.
‘I have to take that huge pill for math?’ inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, ‘Well, you know--math always was a little hard to swallow.’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#42
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:22
The Lion Tamer
Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says, ‘I'm going to become a lion tamer.’
The other replies, ‘That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.’
‘Yes I do!’
‘Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what're you gonna do?’
‘Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.’
‘Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?’
‘Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.’
‘Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?’
‘Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.’
‘Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?’
‘Well, then I pick up some of the crap that's on the floor of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.’
‘Well, what if there ain't no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?’
‘Well, that's dumb.’
‘Why?’
‘Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work... There's going to be some Crap on the floor of that cage, You Can Bet On That!’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#43
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:23
Miller Time
Dennis Miller, the witty comedian who made his name on Saturday Night Live and later his own show is now a sportscaster, joining the ABC Monday Night Football analysis squad. When asked if he liked sports or not he replied, ‘I'm not a fan of football, but I am a fan of million dollar pay checks and one day working weeks.’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#44
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:23
Chat Room
A slutty girl is flirting with 2 guys in a chat room. The first guy asks, ‘What state are you from?’ While at the same time the second guy asks, ‘What do you do for a living?’
To satisfy them both, She replies, ‘Idaho.’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#45
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:24
Lost
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
‘ The woman below replied, ‘You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’
‘You must be an engineer,’ said the balloonist.
‘I am,’ replied the woman, ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip.’
The woman below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’
‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’
‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#46
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:25
Memories
Max was telling his son about his days as a prize-fighter.
‘The bell rang and we met in the centre of the ring. I threw a left hook, and he got me with a right cross. It was brutal.’
The son was proud of his father's courage.
‘Then in the second round I took a couple of shots, but held my ground.
By the third round I had my opponent worried.’
‘Did you really?’ his son asked.
‘You bet I did. He thought that he had killed me.’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#47
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:25
Reward
One day a King called in all the towns' people to his castle and said, ‘Who ever will swim across this moat and back (which was full of alligators) can have one of two rewards: A chest full of gold or my beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.’
All of a sudden he saw a man dart across the moat and back just like an arrow without getting a single scratch on him.
‘Which do you want, the chest full of gold?’ asked the King.
No,’ said the man.
‘So you want my daughter's hand in marriage.
‘No,’ replied the man.
‘Well, said the king if you don't want that either what do you want?’
‘I want the name of the man who pushed me in the water!’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#48
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:26
Newlyweds-1
A young couple was married and celebrated their first night together by doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, ‘What's that?’ pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, ‘Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night.’
And she, in amazement, asked, ‘Is that all we have left?’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#49
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:26
Newlyweds-2
A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains.
They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them.
The husband knocked on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside responded.
The old man asked, ‘Are you young folks all right?’
‘Yes, we're fine,’ the husband answered. We're living on the fruits of love.’
The old man replied, ‘I kinda figured that. Say... Would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?
They're choking my ducks!’
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
ارسالها: 1068
#50
Posted: 24 Jul 2011 06:27
Three Women On An Island
Three women are stranded on an island. One woman tripped over something. She looks down and sees a lamp. The girls rub the lamp and to their astonishment, a Genie pops out.
‘I will grant you 3 wishes, but since there of three of you, you will each get one wish.’
The first girl says, ‘I want to be strong enough to swim to shore.’ The Genie snapped his fingers, and the girl set out.
Not 15 feet off the island, a shark came and ate her.
The second girl says, ‘I want to be skilled enough to create something that will get me off the island.’
With that, the Genie snapped his fingers, giving the girl some logs and string, and she made a raft and set out.
When she was 15 feet off shore, the tide grew strong, and the raft capsized, killing her.
The third girl thought long and hard, when finally she came up with her wish. ‘I wish to be smart enough to find a way off the island.’
The Genie snapped his fingers and she turned into a man and took the bridge.
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub the unforgiven
صفحه 5 از 11